As you can see, the title of my blog is 'My life is a sitcom'. This goes back to an email conversation I was having on Thursday with Kinky Steve, Scouse Nick, Lewis and Fail, where I was regaling the tale of an impromptu dating experience I had on Wednesday night that descended into something from 'Peep Show' meets 'Friends'. I mentioned in the email chain that 'my life is a sitcom', as this was not the first time it had happened, and from there the blog was born.
So, on to Friday night. I normally go out with Kinky Steve and Andy on Fridays, but this week both were unavailable. I put out feelers and instead went out with Hari for a wee catch-up, and on to her mate's birthday drinks. I love Hari to pieces, and her efforts to get me a nice young lady are second-to-none, and I was looking forward to seeing her as we hadn't had one of these for a little while.
She also mentions that it is an Antipodean Girl's Birthday on Waitangi day and that there may be some drunken single lady action going on.
(Of course, when people say 'drunken single lady action' to me now, I only get visions of this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJlPEHL85Ig, but that's by the by. Hopefully the single ladies in question would be nothing like this)
So, we have a beer in a Smith's pub first in between a mid-treatment transsexual and a lady (they were obviously 'together' but to this moment I am still puzzled as to the logistics. The transsexual was going from man to lady, so I am just trying to figure out what goes where and indeed if it would still be around for it to go there, afterwards. Ahem.) where we have a brief catch-up. Her new script has been well-received by people that matter and things are generally OK with me, so hurrah. We finish our drinks and head off to some God-awful pretentious, overpriced shit hole in Covent Garden to celebrate Amanda turning 24.
Now, by and large, I love Covent Garden, but we went to some underground bunker that wasn't a million miles away from the Mos Eisley Cantina from Star Wars IV that epitomised all that is wrong with central London.
1) It's called Detroit. WHY? What possible link with America's 'Motor Town' is there? It's 20ft underground, there are curved stone walls, it's poorly lit, the DJ has just got the sack from Yates's on Leicester Square because of the turgid 10 year old R&B he was playing.... it was about as 'Detroit' as I am.
2) The bar staff are cwnts. All of them. Admittedly, I don't have tits, but PLEASE don't make that the only criterium for deciding whether you say 'please' and 'thank you' to your clientele.
3) It looked like someone had opened a can of 'wanker' in there. Wall-to-wall Rude Boys, girls who believe that two strips of rubber covering their 'decency' constitutes a dress... dear me.
Anyway, moaning aside, we find Amanda and her posse, we do the kisses on cheeks and we sit down amongst strangers and try to make nice.
Now, I'm no Vanilla Ice, but I still have a modicum of 'cool' about me. However, these guys made me look like KanYe fucking West. It was like the groovy gang's annual outing. Lovely people, definitely, and I am certain that none of them are so bitter and twisted that they spurt their annoyances out on the Internet, but ridiculously boring. I was getting through £4 bottles of Asahi (DON'T) like they were going out of fashion, just to keep myself sane...
...at this point, Kinky Steve texts me to tell me that his date is going terribly and that I am to provide a 9:20pm get-out phone call and that he will come and join me and H for a beer. JOY!
Back to Detroit (still no sign of Stevie Wonder, Aretha Franklin), though and the Groovy Gang are showing each other photos on their phones of them playing in the snow and I am looking around for any kind of twine or string to hang myself with. At this point, someone breaks off from the GG and starts chatting to me.
She is a beautiful lady, too. We chat, we laugh. She is 'Ana', from Latvia, and works with H. We are getting on famously. H's eyes light up at this point and immediately gets on the phone to the vicar, reserves the Church and sets about finding a hat. Then Ana gets up to go and powder her nose and it is at that point that we all see that she only has one arm.
Call me shallow, but that did it for me. I KNOW it makes me a bad person, and I accept this but I couldn't bring myself to do it. You should not date a woman if the first thing that comes to mind is a catalogue of bad, distasteful gags.
Thankfully, she didn't fancy me, and it stopped me from having to make any kind of decision (although Haydon and Scouse Nick got 'what do I do!?' text messages, just in case), but we carried on chatting and she is a lovely and charming girl. She certainly got a big hand from me.
(SEE? I'm a BAD person)
It gets to 9:20pm and Kinky Steve's phone is now turned off meaning that he is turning the Kink up to 11 and he shall not be joining me for a drink. Fuck - I've just realised that he's Quagmire from Family Guy. Anyway, I leave him to it and return to my conversation with Hari and the Bandit. Anyway, it gets to 10pm and H ups and leaves, meaning I am left on my lonesome with Stumpy and the Groovy Gang. Although she chooses this opportunity to tell me that she has set me and Ana up.
Ana's coming over to hers and Nick's for a computer game afternoon and I am to attend as well. Computer games. A generally two-handed activity.
Fuck me, I hope they've got a Wii...
I cannot bring myself to do it, so up and leave, wish Amanda a Happy Birthday and Waitangi Day. At this point, the Groovy Gang are in full flow and have excluded me, even Ana. I smirk to myself, make my excuses and take a slow walk to Holborn where I catch my train and return home, where a Pot Noodle and Jonathan Ross awaits.
My life is still a sitcom.
This weekend brings laziness and lounging around the flat, housework, the gym, the North London Derby (Arsene, if you're reading this then please, please, PLEASE, beat Spurs. The only thing worse than a Spurs fan is a smug Spurs fan) and I am on a date with a PhD student called Clare. I will of course, update once I get to the bottom of it all.
Much love xx